Waiting to Exhale

I didn't understand the title to that movie until just now.  I just realized how many times a day I hold my breath, whether in anticipation or in frustration or in fear.  Not that there's a ton to fear in my world since I am always only in one of four places: school, work, home, or at my mom's house.  I don't hold my breath on purpose.  It just happens.

Holding my breath kinda gives me a headache.  I don't like headaches.  It also makes my breathing a bit shallow.  It also cuts off oxygen to my brain, which is maybe why I've been a little forgetful (or maybe it's just that I am getting old).  What am I waiting for anyway?  Maybe that by some miracle, the fog will lift and everything in my world will make complete sense again.  But that's not reality - not my reality at least.  Fog doesn't just miraculously lift in law school or in marriages or in friendships; you have to wade through it - and I guess that's the point.  Things are uncomfortable right now (don't worry, the marriage is fine) and the best thing a person can do in this situation is sit with the discomfort.  Tolerate it.  Feel it.  Accept it without trying to manipulate it or change it.  Besides, life wouldn't be as fun if it always made sense.  There's no reason to fight it.  Now if I could only take my own advice...

Where is this all coming from??  Well, I'll tell you.  I'm reading a book called "A Year to Live" by Stephen Levine.  It's an experiment of what it would feel like to live a full year like it's your last.  It's made me a lot more conscious of how I feel and why I feel it.  It has also encouraged me to have a little more compassion and patience for others, and most of all, myself.  It's pretty awesome so far, and I'm only on Day 4.  I highly recommend it if you're the touchy-feely, emotionally-deep type who likes getting in touch with your inner self.  Or if you just wanna try something new.